Surprise! The things you wish you knew
Before having Ted we did NCT parenting classes. We spent hours in a local community centre practicing holding, changing and feeding life-size dolls, or picking out words from a list which might relate to topics like breastfeeding or pethidine. As soon as he came into our lives, all of this newly-acquired knowledge seemed to fall out of my brain and I found myself wondering why we felt so unprepared.
The truth is that nothing can prepare you for parenthood, really. You can buy every book and watch every mummy vlogger (or indeed, read every dad blog) but until it happens to you, it’s academic.
After the initial difficulties and challenges of the first few weeks of new parenthood, I remember pausing for a moment to wonder in surprise why barely any of my dad friends had checked in on me, or given me some advance warning that I was about to get hit by a train. They’d all been through it – why hadn’t they told me?
But now I get it: you can’t, really. You either risk freaking someone out by telling them how hard it is (especially at the start), or they just won’t take you seriously and will still find themselves floundering during those difficult first few days (or more). And secondly, if you’ve got kids you’re almost certainly too preoccupied and distracted to keep up with social obligations and non-essential communications. By the time you’ve got the kids to bed, inhaled some food, hidden the worst of the mess and flopped down on the sofa, you can barely muster up the energy to switch over from CBeebies, let alone review your WhatsApp queue.
I asked some friends to tell me what they wish they’d known about parenthood in advance. Their answers were enlightening and honest, with lots for me to learn and hopefully others too. People could choose to be anonymous so I’ve cited quotes as their authors asked to be named.
What do you wish you known before becoming a parent?
Anonymous mother #1
“I probably wouldn’t have understood anyway if I’d been told, but the utter urgency and intensity of it. You as a person are crushed into pieces you’ll spend years trying to put back together!”
Anonymous father #1
“There really isn’t one thing; parenthood is indescribably complex and nothing anyone could have told me beforehand would have explained or helped. Everyone says that ‘Your life will change’ and that’s absolutely true, but no one can really tell you how that change will feel and alter your mental state.”
Sandy Gill, mom
“From a practical POV: there comes a time when they stop napping on their own and need help from us and naps are IMPORTANT. Finding out about the “window of wakefulness” was a game changer. So that’s 2 things but related!”
Anonymous father #2
“There will never be a day when you get everything right. The fewer things you got wrong, the better the day was. “
Anonymous mother #2
“How primal and instinctive I would suddenly become towards my daughter, which is often helpful but frequently frustrating if not upsetting when irrationality prevents me doing basic things. An example? Enjoying Strictly Come Dancing when my 3 month old is upstairs with her very loving attentive father but I can’t fucking relax because she’s not with me.”
Anonymous father #3
“That balancing a demanding job and having a child is extremely difficult, especially if both parents work full time or do unsociable hours. The level of support you require to look after a child, run a house, and get on at work is much more strenuous than you think.”
Thank you to all the contributors above for your words of wisdom <3.