Lockdown with a baby: redux

Well, I wrote my first post on being stuck indoors with a baby during the pandemic 80 days ago. I don’t know how long I thought this would be going on back in April, but here we are. Things have changed since then, but also they haven’t.

We’re still splitting work and childcare (I look after Ted in the mornings while Maddy works, then we swap). This has become increasingly difficult. A new manager at work used our first meeting together to challenge my working arrangements, which only added to my stress levels. I’ve been missing out on my team’s morning catchup meetings and fortnightly planning sessions (because they’re in the morning) so feel out of the loop. I’ve found it tough to get stuck into bigger chunks of work when I can hear the baby crying downstairs, or when I only have four working hours in the day to get things done before I have to go and help do dinner and bedtime.

It takes its toll emotionally, too. Maddy and I have found ourselves arguing and snapping at one another at times because we’re both exhausted after 100 days of full-time parenting without being able to hand him over to parents or friends while we have a break. Chores like laundry and housekeeping become Groundhog Day-esque tasks because we’re all at home all the time so making much more mess. It’s been challenging to find the energy to do anything in our evenings once the baby’s in bed, dinner is cooked and all the chores are done, besides zone out in front of a book or TV. We’ve been together long enough that we know the signs when we’re arguing because we’re tired or stressed and thankfully we love one another enough to forgive and forget these kind of arguments when we spot the signs. But it’s still another thing making all this difficult.

It’s also hard not to feel frustrated when things are beyond your control. I’ve been spending the mornings looking after Ted, but during lockdown his sleep schedule has matured so he only has one nap per day, which typically starts arounds 12-1pm – the “handover” period when Maddy finishes work, we have a quick lunch, then I start work. Ted’s a great sleeper and naps for as long as 3 or even 4 hours. This can lead to resentment on my part when I complete a six hour “shift” with him, hand over to Maddy, and she gets an afternoon to herself while the baby sleeps. As I said at the start, though – she did this full-time for a year while I was at work, so I can’t complain too much.

Similarly, I’ve been trying to get Ted into the kitchen and “cooking” with me while I make stuff for his meals. It’s soul-destroying when your kid throws the meal you’ve just laboured over all over the floor and walls, and hard not take it personally despite how irrational this is. Lockdown makes all of these micro problems feel like something bigger.

Ted’s nursery have finally given us a date he can start (a month from now), as he was due to begin the week after lockdown started. This is a shining lifeline for us: although it’ll be really tough to suddenly have him vanish from our home for 3 days per week, we really, really need the break. It feels like we can actually be better parents for him when we’ve had the chance to regain a little bit of our pre-lockdown “independence”, eg. not having a baby constantly in the house who always needs attention and support. This makes it sound like he’s a drain on us or a chore but that isn’t what I mean – it’s more that when I come downstairs from work to make a coffee and he’s standing at the foot of the stairs beaming at me because he thinks I’m coming to read to him or play a game, it feels like a huge betrayal to just ignore him and do my thing. I don’t want to feel like I’m ignoring his needs, so being able to send him to nursery while we recharge our batteries a bit will be sorely needed.

I also resigned from my job, which I think will help with the stresses and challenges, too. My new role begins in early September and I’ve asked to go down to 4 days per week (which I was supposed to do in April at my current job, but postponed due to the nursery closure). I’m really excited about this because having spent every weekday morning with Ted since late March, I can’t really imagine going back to a full 9-5, Monday-Friday, without spending time with him. I’d also like to think that he’d struggle with this, too – even I can see the change in him that Maddy describes, where he’s excited to see me and play with me too (like he always was with his mama).

It’s been tough not seeing friends and family, though the few interactions we’ve had have felt magical and treat-like: I’ll never take casual conversation or serendipitous hangouts for granted again. Likewise I’ve become much more outdoors-y, mainly because being stuck indoors with a grumpy baby is nobody’s idea of a good time. Each weekday I head out the door with Ted and wander around parks, forests, lakes and supermarkets (when the weather’s bad) and I’ve lost weight and increased my average step count. I hope this doesn’t go away when the pandemic is “over”, either.

I won’t bother making predictions (because who knows what’s coming next), but I hope that we’re able to take some positives from all of this. We spent Ted’s birthday in our back garden (with some socially-distant parent friends singing happy birthday to him) and had to cancel the family Center Parcs trip, but we’ve just re-booked it in the week before I start my new job. Even with half the park facilities closed or on half-measures, this trip will feel like a massive luxury now. I hope that’s a “positive” – I’ll value things I never thought were remarkable in the past, and I’ll never take for granted spending time with my partner, my child and our loved ones.